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A funny thing happened on the scales

By Mark Warde

Did you hear the one about the guy who stepped one of those talking scales? Yep, it actually announces your weight, audibly. So, the guy steps on and waits a moment, only to have the speaker say, “One at a time, please.”

I have spent time at both ends of the spectrum in my life. Thin and not so thin. That’s pretty common, isn’t it? Thin until wedding cake, then, poof… Michelin Tire Man.

Seriously, the past year has brought some great comedy into my life, medically. Having completed the much-publicized, inner-beauty exam (a.k.a. the colonoscopy), I recall wanting to celebrate. But I will tell you the one thing I didn’t drink. Ha!

While feeling completely devoid of pretty much everything as a result, I can inform you that, of things missing after the procedure – dignity was chief among them. It’s gone.

And another thing, if you have put off having this joyous medical hurdle, I have a few words of advice. Get over it and get ‘er done. It’s not nearly as bad as you’ve heard.

Here are my suggestions for the day prior to the procedure. First, hold your nose, firmly, while drinking the prep solution. You will know if your grip wasn’t tight enough. Second, do not bring a partner to the hospital, even though you’re required to do so. This person will turn on you afterward with humor certain to surface at family gatherings.

Cameras will be involved, but it’s doubtful you will want to see the pictures.

A recent check-up with my doctor came with the usual trepidation and uncertainties reserved for visits to in-laws. When the doctor immediately begins with your lab scores, the likelihood they’ll be assigning homework and dietary restrictions are as firm as Trump’s hairdo.

The doc could soften the blow by informing you there’s too much of you. Mine tries to compete with me for funny lines.

He said something akin to; “Well, Mark, I see that you’ve been expanding to make room for all that personality. And, near as I can tell, you are not cramping its style.”

While firing off numbers like those on the moving stock exchange scoreboard, he basically said that, even though I may be good, it was time to stop making more of me. Yep, everything wonderful was now off-limits.

I asked him to put my diet in easier to understand terms. He told me to never again approach the counter at a gas station. True. He said to pay in advance with a card. Really, I wasn’t to go anywhere near the aisles of temptation while waiting in line at the register. Pay at the pump, he said.

Suddenly, the list of diet defenses began to wait in line inside my head, ready to be spoken.

I should go on a diet, but I’m afraid my brain will get thinner and I’ll become narrow-minded. That sounds reasonable, don’t you think? There are back-up excuses at the ready, like; I was teased as a kid, doc. I was bullied. Surely that’s an acceptable reason. Or, I can pull another sympathy card; genetics, being big-boned, or say I could have a thyroid condition or that I don’t make enough money to eat healthy.

How’s this fool-proof cover for over-consumption. “Doc, I only eat comfort food, like when my cat died, when Michael Jackson died, when Tony Romo has a bad game, or when I lose the remote.”

When he suggested exercising, my favorite one, chewing, came to mind.

One thing’s for sure, some needed changes are underway if I expect to be funny for much longer.

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Posted by on May 23 2016. Filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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