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17 things a grown man should never have (according to somebody else)

Getting inspiration from all over helps with a weekly column, such as this week’s little gem.
I was yet again surfing around on the Internet and came across an article on MSN listing 17 things a man should have left behind in his adolescent days.
I thought the article was somewhat humorous considering I found myself checking off a few of these items still at 27 years old.
This list also comes on the heels of a small tremor on the home front with my girlfriend Joanna about hanging posters in our future home.

Here we go with the list.
1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You’re smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you’re going to lose.
I have somehow avoided any fights since high school, which is a good thing considering my size and lack of muscular strength.
However, that doesn’t mean my mouth hasn’t tried its best to get me in a fight with some heavyweights who would have given me more than just a pair of black eyes.
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively.
Don’t let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
Not counting a forum among my friends that has since been taken down, I can safely say I have no signatures out there floating in the electronic world.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned.
Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her … along with breakfast in bed.
Joanna is a terrific cook and outside of pizza rolls and Rice Krispy Treats, I couldn’t make out the difference between a skillet and a saucer pan. Therefore I feel it is okay that I fall into this category still.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you’re assuredly missing out on life.
Missing out on life I’m not, but spending a couple of hours listening to John Madden tell me how absurd my play calling is and having the cops chase me around Vice City as I carjack people and rob videogame businesses I do partake in. Don’t judge me.
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don’t know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.
I don’t drink so therefore I don’t need to worry about this one.
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he’ll be.
Apparently MSN and I don’t see eye to eye about what a lucky shirt means to us.
Apparently they are talking about good fortune befalling a person when wearing a certain clothing article and I’m thinking of the shirt that I wore the first time … Oh, nevermind.
For those who aren’t aware, that last sentence was a shot at humor.
7. An unstamped passport.
My passport, which I lost at some point in the last three years, does have one stamp on it. So take that MSN.
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
I can forget this category altogether. I don’t think sliding through a coat-hanger is ever going to be an Olympic sport.
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
Well aren’t we well off Mister MSN writer. Not every journalist can be so lucky.
10. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
Again, don’t drink.
11. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/Caddyshack/Super-bad. Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.
Whew! They didn’t include Swingers or The Office.
Oh wait. Those were just examples. Ah man! Mark me down for another one then.
12. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, “Take me on your futon.”
I’m safe here, but I do sport my grandmother’s furniture so I guess I’m not doing too much better.
13. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
Don’t take that away from me MSN. Don’t you dare take that away from me.
14. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.
I don’t have one of these in the house, but I do own a foosball table that’s kept in the garage.
Does that get me off the hook?
15. A secret handshake.
Not since college have I had one of these when I was kicked out of the Skull and Bones group for taking the title a little too seriously with the members I didn’t like.
16. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald’s Hamburglar ones.
The absence of drinking thing applies here again, but I have never desired a drinking glass with the Hamburglar on it more than I have right now.
17. A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop…”
I’ve sat here for 10 minutes trying to think of something clever to say but I just don’t have it in me to mess with my beat at the police department.
Sorry for the anti-climactic ending.
Matt Cook is a staff writer and web editor for the Ennis Daily News. He can be reached at: matt@ennisdailynews.com

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Posted by on May 22 2008. Filed under Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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